People Who Use the Term Homie or Dawg Should Be Shot

I was called a MILF and it really pissed me off. I was riding the u-bahn with two of the boys the other day and we just so happened to be in the proximity of some rather annoying American tourist. In typical American fashion they were proclaiming their views on pretty much everything in a high enough decibel to make them audible in the next train. Well at some point one of them notices me and says “Look at that one over there. She’s got two kids.” The other one blatantly stares and says “Yeah homie she’s a MILF.” To which the third friend replies “Naw dawg she’s not that hot.”

Now there are a couple feasible reasons to be angry with this situation. 1. True to my Berkeley education I am femipissed over their sexist comment. 2. One of the dudes said I was not that hot and he was prematurely balding.

Now I would like to say that I am a good person and that this disrespect of women was the first thing that made me angry, but the truth is I did not even notice this violation until much later and it never really made me angry. It would have even been okay to be angry about being called “not that hot”, but since these guys were themselves very unattractive I just felt bad for them. The truth is I got mad because they inadvertently called me old and or stupid. By labeling me a MILF they either think that I am old enough to have a 7 year old son or that I am stupid enough to get pregnant at such a young age. Calling me old and stupid is probably the most offensive thing they could have said.

To make sure they knew I understood every word, I told the boys to “Mind the cretins as you exit the train, homies.” They should probably learn that everyone in Munich speaks English, better English than them in fact.

Germans and Bread, the non liquid kind

A new bakery just opened up on the corner of my street. This seems like a horrible idea to me. If there is one thing that Munich does not need another of it is most definitely a bakery. There is literally one on every corner (and at least 20 congregated at the central train station). Since 50% of small businesses fail within the first year and 95% fail within the first 5 years, you would think that opening up a bakery in a sea of bakeries would be a very bad idea. Although, the Germans (or Bavarians rather) do really love their bread. In their defense bread is much better here but still that is no excuse to eat it all day long. Why are these people not fatter? There is a word in German called Brotzeit which literally translates to bread time. That is right they love bread so much that they keep time by it, but in order to create a scale by which to measure you need two points, so they also have Abendbrot, this of course translates to evening bread.

The moral of the story is that Germans really love their bread.

Its beginning to sound a lot like Christmas

As it is Christmas time and I currently spend the vast majority of my time with a three year old I have had to listen to many of our childhood classic Christmas songs on repeat for hours on end. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer gets a lot of air time. I have not really though about the story of Rudolph since I was a child but honestly it is really messed up. If Santa came up to me and asked me to “Light [his] sleigh tonight” I would have answered fuck you. Think about. If all of the other reindeer use to laugh and call you names and never let you play in any reindeer games, while that fat bastard just stood by any watched don’t you think you would be a little bitter. Hell I would and if you say otherwise you are either lying or by some freak coincidence were never teased as a child (which probably implies that you were home schooled and for that I am sorry, mostly because we are still making fun of you now and you have no idea)

Now what about the twelve days of Christmas? Personally I love this song because it is so fun to sing but when you think about it, it is just idiotic. First off all why are there twelve days of Christmas. I know that there are twenty four days of advent and eight days of Chanukah, but as far as Christmas goes there is one day. Perhaps it is some religious thing that I missed out on being raised in an atheist family, but I am pretty sure that all the religious kids only got one day too. Moving on to my second point what is with those shitty gifts. Who in their right mind wants eight maids a milkin or ten lords a leapin. That’s just dumb.

What about Jingle Bells? Remember how much you loved this song as a child. Well try listening to it again. You will discover that this is the most annoying song ever written. How did we not notice this as children? It is the same frickin thing over and over again. Then some genius comes along and decides that having the chipmunks sing this lame excuse for a sing is a good idea. In reality IT IS THE WORST IDEA EVER. And for some mysterious reason children love this shit and insist on listening to it all day. Kids are stupid.

It was the best night in the world

This is the greatest and best night in the world. Tribute. A couple days ago me and my boyfriend Philipp here, we was drinking down a packed and Irish pub. Then all of a sudden there shined a shiny song in the middle of the bar.

Lame, i know but i found it funny

So last Friday after work I meet up with Philipp Rainer and a friend of theirs from Gymnasium. They had been hanging out at the Christmas market drinking Gluhwein for the past few hours so by the time I arrived they were fairly drunk (some more than others). After a couple pit stops we eventually made it to Killians, the local Irish bar. The beer starts flowing and the three of us begin to dance. Most people in the bar were, as usual, standing around looking very aloof (aloof being a synonym for German), so of course since we were having fun we stood out and people were staring. Being the crazy American girl in Germany I am use to this and did not even give it a second though-um I mean until now I guess. Once I reach my second beer I start to loosen up and join my companions’ state of inebriation and the dancing heads more towards the style of a clothed hooker as if often does with alcohol. By the time the band leaves the stage to take their second brake I am dancing and singing in front of the litter corner stage. To my left there was a table that was one third angry Goth kids, one third aging rockers and one third that appeared to bridge the gap between the odd mix. To my right there was a gaggle[1] of young German males who were clearly had two agendas. Number one: to pick up girls and number two: to put their metro selves on display to the world. Considering the two options I would much rather hang out with the Goth/aged rockers than the ostentatious German boys despite the fact that the Goth girls looked like they wanted to hurt me. Side note, after catching one of the pompous German boys staring down my shirt I knew this was the right decision. Apparently my dancing and yelling was contagious because once I started rocking out to ACDC (in true Chi Phi form) two gentlemen with long hair and black t-shirts, that had clearly not be changed within the past two weeks, promptly put their arms around me and joined in the boisterous fun. As soon we had made it abundantly clear that were we “going to explode”, the melodic opening of Tribute began to play through out the bar. I may have been the only one who initially noticed because my screams of pure ecstasy following the second note made it nearly impossible for any one other than a true D connoisseur to decipher the tune. Much to my delight one of these unkempt gentlemen eventually picked up the words I was screaming and wordlessly communicated to me that he was also a fan. For the next four minutes and eight seconds we sang and acted out every last verse. This tribute to the greatest song in the world has lead me to my new philosophy in life; the D can transcend all cultures to unite the globe. Long live the D. I poisoned your wine.

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[1] When Germans collect in groups I will thus refer to them as a gaggle of Germans.

Ladybug or Ladystupid

There is a predominant group of people in Munich (if not all of Germany/Europe) who associate British English (as opposed to American) with intelligence and class. What most of these plebeians do not realize is that they are romanticizing a dialect and accent based on poverty and a lack of education.

This ranking to me is just ridiculous. First of all how can you classify a group of people on their intelligence based on their Nation of origin? The only time location plays into intelligence is if the group in question lives in a metropolitan area versus a rural area which lacks access to resources of learning; although globalization and the ever expanding reach of the internet has as of late diminished this discrepancy. Perhaps location also matters if these individuals live under power lines or near nuclear power plants which provide subhuman abilities or superhuman powers. To say a British accent sounds intelligent is similar to the claim that a Texan accent sounds intelligent (of course even though this is counter to my claim, to me they both ring with the sound of stupidity; but that is just because I find everyone stupid). I am sure that you will find the same percentage of intelligent people in both places. Furthermore Nations provide such a wide gene pool that you can find an entire spectrum of intelligence in any Country you look, except for Poland-they are all stupid there (sorry Jessie). But let’s get back to my point of the Brits being stupid and Americans being far superior. Since I am living in a city where British English is highly respected and preferred, I very often encounter words that are new to me, my favorite example being ladybird. That’s right the Brits call ladyBUGS ladyBIRDS. This just proves my point that they are as stupid as they are ugly. The previously mentioned creature is a bug not a bird. Lets think of what classifies a bird. Birds (class Aves) are bipedal, warm-blooded, vertebrate animals that lay eggs[1]. But ladybugs (actually called Coccinellidae) are a family of beetles. Therefore from a scientific standpoint a ladybug is in fact a bug and all Brits are retarded.

This does not even begin to speak to the issue of class. Class is a bullshit term. Class, just like culture, is often associated with “high society”, but in reality we all have class. Whether you view fine art as a john deer tractor or a painting by Renoir or whether you associate the pinnacle of music achievement with Chopin or the Wu Tang Clan, you still have class and you still have culture. You simply have different opinions on the two subjects based on your environment, exposure, and preference. Consequently British English has no more class than American English; you can not even say that it has better class. Both classifications can be further categorized into different classes and cultures but neither one of the categories or subcategories can be ranked better than the others, they are just different based on origin.

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[1] "Bird." Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. 9 Dec 2007, 14:03 UTC. Wikimedia Foundation, Inc. 9 Dec 2007 <http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Bird&oldid=176768046>.

Munich Safe or Stupid?

I have often commented on the safety of Munich because I am continually astounded by it, but I think sometimes Müncheners take it too far. Here is the story, you decide. I was leaving work a couple days ago and now that we are embarking on an arctic winter it has long been dark outside. As I turn the corner I see two men dress in dark colors (with any identifying features hidden behind massive amounts of winter clothing) milling about a brand new BMW and struggling with a cumbersome object. If I were back home, or in any other city for that matter, I would assume that they were burglarizing the car and in the vain hope that it might offer some protection, clutch the mace that I carry in my pocket even tighter. Since I am in Munich I assess the situation as being of no danger and plan to walk past sans mace. When I am about twenty feet away the two men begin to walk away from the car. Now the two backseat doors are wide open. As I get closer I see that there is no one inside (or around) the car and the cumbersome object was a large television which is now resting in the back seat. The Two men are far off in the distance and about to be concealed by a cluster of buildings. They have not only advertised that a very expensive car is unlocked and available-by leaving the doors open and the interior lights on in the dark night as a beacon of possible theft-but they have made it even more enticing by placing a rather nice television in the backseat. Either these are the two most trusting men in the world or the stupidest. Perhaps I am just jaded but I think they are the stupidest. I truly hope that all was as they left it when they returned to their car because I have neither a new television nor a new BMW.

I had apple pie and a beer for breakfast. Being an adult rocks.

There is hope for this country after all. I was sitting on the u-bahn yesterday on my way to work. I was reading re-reading one of my favorite books when I got to the end of the chapter half a stop before my exit, I opted to dog ear the page instead of forging ahead to the very last second of possible reading time. Well I am glad I did because I started to do the I-am-board-so-I-am-just-gonna- look-at-all-the-people-around-me-but-its-cool-cause-everyone-stares-in- Germany glances. Then in the lap of the man sitting diagonally across from me it catches my eye, and I think ‘hey I recognize the font and page lay out.’ I pretend to have an itch on my leg so I can move my face closer to said mans lap in the hopes of being able to read the text. Just then he turns the page and immediately my eyes dash over to the chapter title. “Everyone has ‘that’ friend” . . . I KNEW IT!!! After a rather loud gasp I ponder my options 1. Say something to the only other person in Germany who appreciates comic genius 2. Let him continue reading his book and not be the rude American. Well of course I decided to go with option number one but first I though it would be wise to remove my head from his crotch so as not to draw attention to myself as a pervert. Unintentionally choosing the least direct rout to start a conversation I say “I hope you know that you are one of the lucky few who have been selected to cross paths with what could be the funniest book to be published within the last 5 years if not every.” His response: “Ummmm huh?” At this point I am not sure if he understands English and I know he is Italian so speaking German wont help. Still, I have this nagging urge to communicate with my comedic brethren in this wit wasteland. I look him dead in the eyes and say very slowly “That is a good book!” Much to my luck he was able to understand and responded with, “ohh, I know.” Continuing in my tactless manor I say, “You have no idea. From the looks of it you are about 30 pages in, and trust me hilarity will ensue.” I then proceed to ask him if he has seen the website that the book originates from. He has no idea what I am talking about and thus I mentally subtract points from his awesomeness tally. I take it upon my self to yell out the address and boast of its abundance of stories as I squeeze out of the closing u-bahn doors. This interaction left me thinking that maybe if enough of us emigrate from funnier nations there could be some laughter in Germany. The Von Traps brought music and I will bring laughter (although I think they brought music to Austria, but its the same thing right? Say Austria is not a part of Germany is like saying that Canada is not America junior.)

Germany, the Grinch who stole Halloween

It’s hard to be away from home for an extended period of time, and one of the things that makes it harder is missing the holidays. For me the hardest holiday to miss has to be Halloween. The day basically celebrates costumes alcohol and candy, could there be any better combination? Well the Germans don’t really do Halloween. No costumes, no trick or treating and lame parties. Well I decided that I was not going to let that get me down; I was going to dress up and make the best of it. My original intention was to dress up as Gene and wear a cut off shirt a dirty apron a bandana and carry around a can of mixed vegetables. After much deliberation I decided that nobody would get this and a cut off shirt might be a little cold. I then decided to be a ridiculous as possible so I made a robot costume out of a cardboard box. For a brief moment I contemplated being a sexy robot but since most Germans have never seen an American Halloween they would probably not know that anything can be made into a Halloween costume if you put the word sexy in front of it and then take off half your clothes and since I work with children only wearing a cardboard box might be slightly inappropriate. Basically my costume was not well received. Everywhere I went people glared at me like I escaped from the mental hospital and at any moment I might murder their children. There were a few funny interactions though.

What I learned from my experience in Munich as a Robot.

1. Germans have no sense of humor
2. The most common Halloween costume here is frigid German with stick up ass
3. There is a Guy who rides the u-bahn who thinks Robots are sexy
4. When people ask you what you are meant to be the correct answer is fucking hilarious.
5. German children are stupid and think that I am really a robot

“Frightened and Confused”

Winter has descended its icy grip upon Munich and I am still waiting for summer to start. Should there not be at least one month with out rain? Honestly this is ridiculous. Everyone keeps telling me that I must be so excited to experience a real winter. I am not. In fact I have a robust fear of experiencing a real winter. Snow is great and all don’t get me wrong, I love to spend a day or week in Tahoe as much as the next Bay Arian (get it white people from the Bay Area) but to live in the cold permanently just sounds uncomfortable and annoying. If it gets much colder than it already is I probably will not survive. By Spring Shemale and I will be found frozen within a Natalie shaped ice block in some ditch. When they revive us-which they must because death interferes with my plan of Shemale and I living forever- a special chamber will have to be constructed for us because our fragile minds will not be able to fathom the changes in the world. This chamber will recreate our natural habitat by being completely 2007 oriented. Much like the room built for the Prehistoric Ice Man from that South Park episode.

When people find out that I do not anticipate a pleasant winter they generally fall back on autumn to cheer me up. The exchange generally goes something like this.

German: Fall is so beautiful here though

Natalie: It’s still a little cold for my taste

German: Yes but you get to watch the leaves change color

Natalie: We can watch that in California too, except from the comfort of our air conditioned family rooms within in our McMansion on the television. With the combination of the modern advances in plasma screens and HD-TV its pretty much like looking out of the window, except like you know . . . better.

German: (After the look of total disgust begins to subside) Oh my god, you did not just say that. What a disgusting American response. There is no way you can compare the real thing to that artificial experience.

Natalie: Oh my god, you did not just say that. What a pathetic German response. I was kidding.

and yet they are still sexy

So these advertisements are all over Munich. I pass them every day on my way to work. In fact I first noticed one when I was walking with Vinzi. We were rushing past on our way to the u-bahn when I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye. I instinctively said "Is that Snoop Dogg wearing fuc-reaking Lederhosen?" worst nanny ever!

It just seems so unnatural, yet so funny

Dont Hassel the Hoff

I was in the U-bahn last Thursday waiting for my train. There was some kind of problem with the tracks and the trains could not run, so as a result the platform is crowded with Germans and I am in a bad mood (I had already been waiting for twenty minutes). I decided to watch the info screen to pass the time. Then out of nowhere the greatest thing in the world happened; a news story about David Hasselhoff graced the screen. I immediately start laughing, I mean rolling on the ground gasping for breath laughing. Here is the best part; while I am making a total ass out of myself nobody turns around to look at me because they are so engrossed in the Hoff news. There is nothing more fabulous than German stereotypes coming to life right before you eyes. The only thing that could have made it better would have been if one of the stern looking German businessmen turned to me laughing on the floor and said "There is no laughing in Germany."

blogging makes me cool

Perhaps I am just a monogamist person by nature, but when I send out an email to multiple recipients I feel like I am cheating on my friends. I choose to blame this irrational emotion for my utter lack of communication with friends and family since I have moved to Germany (although we all know my profound laziness is the more likely culprit). As a result I have decided to join the ever growing population of people who feel what they have to say is of the utmost importance and join the blogging nation. What will follow is a collection of the random happenings of my life (shenatigans if you will), my deep thoughts (much in the style of Jack Handy), and references to all things hilarious (as determined by me). Of course my main goal of this blog is to keep Joanna amused during her bout of unemployment. With that said I humbly present to you Natalie starts a blog hilarity does not ensue (if you get the reference then you are cool and you can stay).

Hey Jo. So i am doing a blog now. . . enjoy.