Munich Safe or Stupid?

I have often commented on the safety of Munich because I am continually astounded by it, but I think sometimes Müncheners take it too far. Here is the story, you decide. I was leaving work a couple days ago and now that we are embarking on an arctic winter it has long been dark outside. As I turn the corner I see two men dress in dark colors (with any identifying features hidden behind massive amounts of winter clothing) milling about a brand new BMW and struggling with a cumbersome object. If I were back home, or in any other city for that matter, I would assume that they were burglarizing the car and in the vain hope that it might offer some protection, clutch the mace that I carry in my pocket even tighter. Since I am in Munich I assess the situation as being of no danger and plan to walk past sans mace. When I am about twenty feet away the two men begin to walk away from the car. Now the two backseat doors are wide open. As I get closer I see that there is no one inside (or around) the car and the cumbersome object was a large television which is now resting in the back seat. The Two men are far off in the distance and about to be concealed by a cluster of buildings. They have not only advertised that a very expensive car is unlocked and available-by leaving the doors open and the interior lights on in the dark night as a beacon of possible theft-but they have made it even more enticing by placing a rather nice television in the backseat. Either these are the two most trusting men in the world or the stupidest. Perhaps I am just jaded but I think they are the stupidest. I truly hope that all was as they left it when they returned to their car because I have neither a new television nor a new BMW.

I had apple pie and a beer for breakfast. Being an adult rocks.

There is hope for this country after all. I was sitting on the u-bahn yesterday on my way to work. I was reading re-reading one of my favorite books when I got to the end of the chapter half a stop before my exit, I opted to dog ear the page instead of forging ahead to the very last second of possible reading time. Well I am glad I did because I started to do the I-am-board-so-I-am-just-gonna- look-at-all-the-people-around-me-but-its-cool-cause-everyone-stares-in- Germany glances. Then in the lap of the man sitting diagonally across from me it catches my eye, and I think ‘hey I recognize the font and page lay out.’ I pretend to have an itch on my leg so I can move my face closer to said mans lap in the hopes of being able to read the text. Just then he turns the page and immediately my eyes dash over to the chapter title. “Everyone has ‘that’ friend” . . . I KNEW IT!!! After a rather loud gasp I ponder my options 1. Say something to the only other person in Germany who appreciates comic genius 2. Let him continue reading his book and not be the rude American. Well of course I decided to go with option number one but first I though it would be wise to remove my head from his crotch so as not to draw attention to myself as a pervert. Unintentionally choosing the least direct rout to start a conversation I say “I hope you know that you are one of the lucky few who have been selected to cross paths with what could be the funniest book to be published within the last 5 years if not every.” His response: “Ummmm huh?” At this point I am not sure if he understands English and I know he is Italian so speaking German wont help. Still, I have this nagging urge to communicate with my comedic brethren in this wit wasteland. I look him dead in the eyes and say very slowly “That is a good book!” Much to my luck he was able to understand and responded with, “ohh, I know.” Continuing in my tactless manor I say, “You have no idea. From the looks of it you are about 30 pages in, and trust me hilarity will ensue.” I then proceed to ask him if he has seen the website that the book originates from. He has no idea what I am talking about and thus I mentally subtract points from his awesomeness tally. I take it upon my self to yell out the address and boast of its abundance of stories as I squeeze out of the closing u-bahn doors. This interaction left me thinking that maybe if enough of us emigrate from funnier nations there could be some laughter in Germany. The Von Traps brought music and I will bring laughter (although I think they brought music to Austria, but its the same thing right? Say Austria is not a part of Germany is like saying that Canada is not America junior.)

Germany, the Grinch who stole Halloween

It’s hard to be away from home for an extended period of time, and one of the things that makes it harder is missing the holidays. For me the hardest holiday to miss has to be Halloween. The day basically celebrates costumes alcohol and candy, could there be any better combination? Well the Germans don’t really do Halloween. No costumes, no trick or treating and lame parties. Well I decided that I was not going to let that get me down; I was going to dress up and make the best of it. My original intention was to dress up as Gene and wear a cut off shirt a dirty apron a bandana and carry around a can of mixed vegetables. After much deliberation I decided that nobody would get this and a cut off shirt might be a little cold. I then decided to be a ridiculous as possible so I made a robot costume out of a cardboard box. For a brief moment I contemplated being a sexy robot but since most Germans have never seen an American Halloween they would probably not know that anything can be made into a Halloween costume if you put the word sexy in front of it and then take off half your clothes and since I work with children only wearing a cardboard box might be slightly inappropriate. Basically my costume was not well received. Everywhere I went people glared at me like I escaped from the mental hospital and at any moment I might murder their children. There were a few funny interactions though.

What I learned from my experience in Munich as a Robot.

1. Germans have no sense of humor
2. The most common Halloween costume here is frigid German with stick up ass
3. There is a Guy who rides the u-bahn who thinks Robots are sexy
4. When people ask you what you are meant to be the correct answer is fucking hilarious.
5. German children are stupid and think that I am really a robot